Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Stressed out and need to change

Hello Everyone

I have come to the realization that my life is too stressful and I need to make changes.  My stomach has been burning for 2 days on and off.  Now I am getting sharp pain in the upper right side of my abdomen..  I started googling it and realized my body is telling me to calm down.  Work has been hard the last few days.  I am working as a certified nurses aide caring for a terminal patient with cancer.  I work 12 hour shifts. and when I am off I am taking care of Miles.  I did try talking to him last weekend about feeling overwhelmed by all of it.  He told me I should cut back my hours.  Only bad part was he didn't want to cut back on anything to lower the bills so I could do it.  He can't cut out any cable channels, he needs them.  Could be lower the grocery bill, maybe a few less snacks? He can't cut back and asked me to help out with his boat repair bill.  I have to do something.  I have doubled my income and still can't find money to save.  I need to change this.  Any suggestions?
Lucy

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Finding myself

Hello Blogworld

I closed my last post saying it was my shout out into the darkness.  I was hoping someone would shout back.  Life is strange. I heard back from the darkness.  It was me saying Hey come find me, this wonderful lady you can be really proud of.   I talked to a good friend of mine today.  She is struggling with depression and learning how be happy with herself.  As I talked I realized finding another man or relationship wasn't the answer.  Finding me was! I need to take responsibility for my own happiness and make it happen.  Sounds kind scary but exciting.   Yes I wanted  a big strong man to step into my like and take charge.  But me taking charge and deciding what I need to keep and what I need to change is daunting.  I can do it.  I need to figure out where to start.  Any ideas?  Love our lurkers day is coming according from some of the blogs I read.  Feel free to leave comment.  I would love to share my corner of the internet with a new friend or two.
Lucy

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

My life and what I want it to be

Hi Blogland

Not sure if anyone will ever read this but I need to get it out.

I AM TIRED OF DOING FOR EVERYONE ELSE BUT NOT ME!
I am sick of coming in as the last priority in my own life.  Yes when my kids were little I understood it. But that isn't the case anymore.  I don't want to lay on my deathbed and look back at all the sacrifices I made to make everyone else happy.  I want to enjoy my life while I have the health and ability to do so.  But I am not and I need to change it.

In my last post I wrote about my childhood causing low self esteem.  I have always thought that if I made others happy I would be happy.  Doesn't work that way.  I am 49 and tired of the way my life is. I live with someone who is extremely self centered and truly believes the world revolves around him.  If I stub my toe he says Ouch. He cannot drive and can barely read.  His health is not good and leaving him is not an option.  I wish I could, it would make life easier but I would not be able to live with myself.

I believe I really have a submissive spirit.  I have never been involved in BDSM or anything but really wish I had a partner that could take the lead.  I keep finding the guys that need a mother to take care of them.  I am tired of it.  Are you tired of me saying I am tired?  LOL
I read about couple where they care for each other in everyway, physically, mentally, sexually and spiritually.   I would love to experience that in my lifetime.  Just so it isn't all on my shoulders alone. How do I find it? I am hoping this shout it the dark leads me somewhere.
Lucy

Monday, October 24, 2016

A new begining

Hi My name is Lucy.
     I am starting a journey to find me.  I have been a people pleaser all my life so much so that I don't know what pleases me.  What do I like ?  What don't I like?  Who am I and who do I want to be?  I think that last question is really important.  I really want to learn the answer.
     My childhood shaped me into a woman who doesn't believe in herself.  The little girl just wanting someone to love her.  A stern stepmother who wasn't very affectionate.  I learn to be invisible and not expect anyone to value me or my contributions.  I still hear her voice in my head and I need to erase that tape. Any advice on how to do it would be greatly appreciated.
      That's it for now.  Just a quick hello to see if anyone will say hi back

Lucy